-- Amil Imani

At long last, two of the greatest self-appointed statesmen of our time meet face-to-face, albeit in secret, to work out an accommodation and avert the dreaded collision between the United States of America and the Islamic Republic of Iran.   The media, in chorus, tell us that such a meeting has neither happened nor is likely to happen. But, we discovered the meeting and managed to record every word of their conversation. Ordinarily, we do not do any domestic spying. We know better than to tread on the turf of the grossly overpaid and pampered underperforming boys at the NSA—the fellows who labor at their tasks daily by leaning back on their Lazy-Boy recliners, sipping Starbucks latte and divining good-as-gold information from the ether. We also know intellectually that eavesdropping is reprehensible, if not outright criminal. But knowing this did not stop us from so doing, because we felt that in dealing with Muslims, we are free to level the playing field.

Muslims are taught that the goal justifies the means. That is, if the goal is important, you say and do whatever it takes to achieve it. So we employed the Islamic ethos and eavesdropped shamelessly. Here is our summary report. Only the two men entered the room, locked the door from inside and performed a full-body-hug with three pecks on each other’s cheeks. It made our hearts melt to see such display of friendship and affection. "Why couldn’t the two countries be as loving toward each other as these two great men", we wistfully asked ourselves. Before we could relish the tender scene for a minute, we got the jolt of our life. Khatami, the Iranian snake-oil-salesman mullah, spoke fluent English with an excellent American accent, so far as we could tell. Of course we are not exactly language experts even though we have been living and studying in the States for several years. The two spoke with great informality and colloquially as would two best of friends. We assure you on our honor—and we are not using the Islamic honor here—you can trust us. We did not manipulate the contents of what transpired between Carter the Freak and Khatami the Fake, but violated the standard operating procedure of the liberal mainstream media that habitually sanitize all reports that pertain to Islam and Muslims.

The Freak: Aah, Muhammad dear, I am delighted to see you. Thank you so very much for consenting to meet with me. I certainly hope you are not taking a chance by so doing. Your colleague in Iran, some of your enemies anyway, may think you're an American agent.

In dealing with the mullahs ruling Iran, what you see is not what you get, and what you hear is not what they mean. Transparency and honesty are not their strong suit. So, we need a first-rate sleuth to see through their smoke-and-mirrors, as well as beyond their twisted tongues into their warped brains. Who else but Sherlock Holmes can be our man to tell us what the mullahs really want? The fact of the matter, as far as we can tell, is that the mullahs are waving a big menacing stick over the world’s head—their nuclear program and its ramifications.